Sunday, December 30, 2007


Ever feel a fear that's too stupid for conversation? For any logical assessment of its nature or even a profoundly accurate example? I've had this ever creeping fear that I can notice the subtleties that are accumulating into what will sadly be me 'aging' or becoming 'adult'. They're almost entirely little smudges of daily life, hardly noticed and passed infinitely throughout the week. They range from the dark peaks of sexual stimulus to the tragically laughable valleys of comfort.

Now it all seems a joke, me writing these examples, but at the specific time they were just cause for concern on where my life is headed. The other day a friend of mine got excited over the ease and helpfulness of paying for something with a gift card. No longer was it a novelty monetary system, it was well suited for its task. He got excited over the receipt, showing the balance of the card. I laughed at how ordinary it all was, but it was funny how not but a few days ago I had considered to start keeping receipts. More so just to see how much money I spend on the worst of shit than anything else, but it still struck me as such a elderly and strange desire. More personal was a sexual thought about this girl I had seen, but I stopped my mind from wandering into heated mental masturbation when I realized all of the angles in this pseudo encounter were...well no easy way to put this, but filmed as if she was an older lover, or even a wife. It was all so cashmere, so JC Penney. It felt like the Olan Mills of pornographic theater. It's hard to put into any steady conscious string of words, but it scares me. Even the lightest of things strikes that still-spooked nerve. Like a new found love of action movies. I've always been a fan of the over blown action movie, it's a boyhood love, but now it's almost as if it's culminating into that sit-around-and-drink-a-few watch a flick and whistle at women sort of life style they parody on every fucking sitcom.

It's overthinking, and it's damn easy.

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